Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Steven Wright

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest.

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

Bill Cosby

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Fran Lebowitz

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Poverty is hereditary - you get it from your children.

Phyllis Diller

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

Jean Kerr

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.

Ann Diehl: Vogue Jan 85

Never have children, only grandchildren.

Gore Vidal

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.

Ambrose Bierce

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Emo Philips

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Ogden Nash

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Jerry Seinfeld