Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

Shannon Fife

Insanity is hereditary -- you get it from your children.

Sam Levenson

Many a man wishes he were strong enough to tear a telephone book in half -- especially if he has a teenage daughter.

Guy Lombardo

Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you reach it faster, too.

Lionel Kauffman

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Fran Lebowitz

Happiness is having a large, loving, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Joan Rivers

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires.

Dorothy Parker

Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is just operating on a smaller scale and lacks the advantage of having made enormous soft-money campaign contributions to political candidates.

P.J. O'Rourke, CEO Of The Sofa

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Jack Benny (1894 - 1974)

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

Doug Larson

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Dennis Fakes

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.

MAD Magazine

Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.

Ed Asner